Hey passengers, Welcome to “Therapy Thursday” on the LifeTrain. A very good friend of mine recently asked me if I would ask Dr.E if she could ever fully recover from a failed love in order to fully love her new husband to be. She was in the midst of considering a second marriage venture and she just wanted to be sure. Well, in hopes of helping other passengers possibly dealing with this situation we decided to share certain aspects of our “Panera Bread” meeting conversation that I managed to schedule and facilitate. My conclusion (interested in hearing yours) is even after a lost love/marriage, it is possible. Not easy, but possible. For discretion sake we’ll call my friend “MISSY”…but, you can still call me Chuckie!
Here is an excerpt from a longer dialogue we had with my recovering yet hopeful friend. I hope you will find in it some truths that may work for you. And as per PROTOCOL…the mood, the music…KICK IT!
I want so much to forget my LL (lost Love). And there are times when I actually hate him. I know a lot of people get involved in affairs in thier maeriage. But this was different, and it is harder for me to put it to rest. I keep thinking how sad and how stupid it was for me not to see the signs of his infidelity. It has spoiled many memories of how love can be.
I was totally caught by surprise when he left me, I feel so stupid. And to make matters worse, afdterwards I really thought that I could maintain friendship feelings for this man. But little did I realize how sick my marriage really was and just how hurt I had been. No one taught me how to be married and how to deal with a lost marriage. And when we started talking again, it did not take long for old feelings resentment to resurface and take precedence in my life. I truly believed that I had made a horrible mistake in marrying my husband when it was all over. I did not realize that marriage could take such a toll once lost.
You don’t have to have closure of forgetting, or closure of no feelings. Remember the good, even credit it with restoring your desire for marriage again and showing you what was right for you. The only important thing is your clarity that it does not have to happen again, and I know you have that. And that you forgive yourself, release any guilt feelings and forgive your ex. Let that be enough. And remember it’s okay to love a memory.
Just as your ex-husband has moved on, I hope you will yourself find the strength to move on, especially before entering into another serious relationship such as marriage. Yes, lost loves are difficult, very difficult. You did not go looking for this trouble, this heartache. It caught you by surprise. You had no experience with this type of thing, not even awareness of the risks of such pain and sorrow.
If I could magically grant you three wishes, it would be that 1) you forgive your lost lover, 2) that you remember the good of what you had together in the initial romance, in the past, and that you can have that again with your new intended 3) and that the past union memory fades into a soft-focus past tense and stays there. Let it go Missy, move on sweetie.
Thanks Dr Hath. My new Boaz and i are going through marriage counseling and doing a lot of research, we have learned that love goes through a lot of stages and once you reach the stage when you lose that “in love” high, that’s when you need to really work at finding ways to keep the romance alive.
I sometimes refer to what happened as a marital heart attack. And just like having a real life-threatening scare, we are learning how to better take care of each other and believe me, we are reaping the benefits! And I am coming alive again!
DrE: Keep the Conductor and I appraised of your new union, we wish you the best.
Well passengers, that’s the short of it. Again for discrestion sake I had to edit out a whole lot of this conversation. I do hope that the parts I was able to share may be of help if ever (hopefully not) needed
All Aboard! The LifeTrain!