Therapy Thursday with Dr. Emily Hath PhD. – This week, “Dealing with Lost Love”

Hey passengers, Welcome to “Therapy Thursday” on the LifeTrain.  A very good friend of mine  recently asked me if I would ask Dr.E if she could ever fully recover from a failed love in order to fully love her new husband to be.   She was in the midst of considering a second marriage venture and she just wanted to be sure.  Well, in hopes of helping other passengers possibly dealing with this situation we decided to share certain aspects of our “Panera Bread” meeting conversation that I managed to schedule and facilitate.  My conclusion (interested in hearing yours) is even after a lost love/marriage,  it is possible. Not easy, but possible.  For discretion sake we’ll call my friend “MISSY”…but, you can still call me Chuckie!

Here is an excerpt from a longer dialogue we had with my recovering yet hopeful friend. I hope you will find in it some truths that may work for you.  And as per PROTOCOL…the mood, the music…KICK IT!

Missy:
I want so much to forget my LL (lost Love). And there are times when I actually hate him. I know a lot of people get involved in affairs in thier maeriage. But this was different, and it is harder for me to put it to rest. I keep thinking how sad and how stupid it was for me not to see the signs of his infidelity. It has spoiled many memories of how love can be.

I was totally caught by surprise when he left me, I feel so stupid. And to make matters worse, afdterwards I really thought that I could maintain friendship feelings for this man. But little did I realize how sick my marriage really was and just how hurt I had been. No one taught me how to be married and how to deal with a lost marriage. And when we started talking again, it did not take long for old feelings resentment to resurface and take precedence in my life. I truly believed that I had made a horrible mistake in marrying my husband when it was all over. I did not realize that marriage could take such a toll once lost.

Dr. E

You don’t have to have closure of forgetting, or closure of no feelings. Remember the good, even credit it with restoring your desire for marriage again and showing you what was right for you. The only important thing is your clarity that it does not have to  happen again, and I know you have that. And that you forgive yourself, release any guilt feelings and forgive your ex.  Let that be enough.  And remember it’s okay to love a memory.

Just as your ex-husband has moved on, I hope you will yourself find the strength to move on, especially before entering into another serious relationship such as marriage. Yes, lost loves are difficult, very difficult.  You did not go looking for this trouble, this heartache. It caught you by surprise. You had no experience with this type of thing, not even awareness of the risks of such pain and sorrow.

If I could magically grant you three wishes, it would be that 1) you forgive your lost lover, 2) that you remember the good of what you had together in the initial romance, in the past, and that you can have that again with your new intended 3) and that the past union memory fades into a soft-focus past tense and stays there.  Let it go Missy, move on sweetie.

Missy

Thanks Dr Hath.  My new Boaz and i are going through marriage counseling and doing a lot of research, we have learned that love goes through a lot of stages and once you reach the stage when you lose that “in love” high, that’s when you need to really work at finding ways to keep the romance alive.

I sometimes refer to what happened as a marital heart attack. And just like having a real life-threatening scare, we are learning how to better take care of each other and believe me, we are reaping the benefits! And I am coming alive again!

DrE:  Keep the Conductor and I appraised of your new union, we wish you the best.

Well passengers, that’s the short of it.  Again for discrestion sake I had to edit out a whole lot of this conversation.  I do hope that the parts I was able to share may be of help if ever (hopefully not) needed

All Aboard!  The LifeTrain!
Roll Credits:

 

 

8 comments on “Therapy Thursday with Dr. Emily Hath PhD. – This week, “Dealing with Lost Love”
  1. Ruby2 says:

    Missy ~ pray sweetie! Only God can change your heart. One day when you are not paying attention, it just won’t hurt the same anymore. Don’t forgot the experience, there is wisdom in that storm. Again, one day you will see the transformation. Experience qualifies me, but now that I am on the other side of the pain, I am thankful for the experience.

    As for you Mista Conductor: thanks for the ride and bringing Ledisi and Adelle ~ two of my favs ~ along. You are forever amazing!

    Smooches
    Rub’s

  2. Carmen says:

    Love is a strange thing… however good it may be, still strange.

    In my experience, I have discovered that divorce and breakup of relationships have the same grieving stages as death. There is the anger, abandonment, fear, hurt, hatred and then finally acceptance… and all of these stages must be completed before you can fully recover. And it is not easy because you have opened and emptied yourself to the one you have intended to spend the rest of your life with. I even vowed that I would NEVER open and empty myself to another but God has removed that statement from my vocabulary. And now I can stand today as a witness that it can be done. My recommendation to anyone experiencing what ‘Missy’ is experiencing, please allow yourself time to go through the complete grieving process. And never say never!…allow God to heal the hurt.

    Great Train ride Mr. Conductor! May God continue to shower you with His favor.

    Your faithful passenger,
    Carmen

  3. Carmen says:

    Addendum:
    As I re-read my comment I must include that those were my grieving stages. I even had the ‘what ifs or if I would haves and even the I should haves’. I even reverted back through some of my stages before I finally got to the acceptance stage. However you complete your grieving process is an individual call. Just know that better days will come. Be Blessed ‘Missy’, and don’t ever give up on love.

  4. Gerri says:

    That’s it? Aw MAN!! I had my mouth all set for some popcorn and some details! No details about who started it, who got caught, and whose tires got slashed? A scoundrel gets bored back here in the caboose of the life train and needs a little excitement.

    Seriously, I totally agree with and respect Dr. E’s advice. There is just as much value in remembering as there is in forgetting. When we remember, we deal with things. We can’t fix what we will not face. Not only do we benefit from remembering the good things that happened, but we benefit from the lessons learned.

    So many times we look back with regrets and say “If only I had known then what I know now”. We need to look back and say “I once was blind but now I see”. As long as we don’t dwell on these memories to the extent of becoming bitter, we can always meditate on our growth, our deliverance, and our redemption.

    Oh well I guess I’ll go back to the corner of the life train caboose with my popcorn, Boone’s Farm low shelf wine, and watch my TV with the clotheshanger for an antenna. Jerry Springer is coming on. Guess what.. you ain’t the daddy! LOL.

  5. Carmen says:

    Thanks Gerri.

    I like that…”I once was blind but now I see”, I’ve always related that to being lost in sin, blinded to the love of God. That one line is so true for me in this instance! Since my deliverance I CAN look back at the memories and not become bitter (FREE!!!). Once deliverance came, (sidebar… I am so free with this..21/22 yrs of bondage, so imagine how free I feel) and my eyes were open, I only see the memories as a lesson learned. Thanks again Gerri!

    LifeTrains Faithful passenger…
    Carmen

  6. Gerri says:

    Hey Carmen, give yourself permission to thank God for what you can see clearly. There are so many things that you can see now that you couldn’t see before.

    I am a middle aged, grumpy old scoundrel.. LOL.. but I would not re-live my 20s for anything. I wouldn’t re-live my 30s either. Life is peaceful now with knowledge, strength, experience, and wisdom. Exercise gives me physical strength, health, and hope.

    Every scar has its own story. No scar is ever forgotten. We are transformed by our grief and bad experiences, but the scar is always there.. the reminder that we have survived something that many did not make it through.

    You are free, experienced, wise, and live a wonderful life.

    Hang in there!

  7. Chuckie the Conductor... says:

    It is really so “WAY COOL” riding this here train with you guys. I really enjoyed and appreciated this thread of comments. God bless you all.

    PAUSE (applying deodorant)…Now …”HUG!!! 2 ALL!!!”

    Ps. I smelt you coming out of the Caboose scoundrel! Stank aside, I love it when you come out the back of the train! You need to be out front more…

  8. Gerri says:

    I’ll stay back here in the caboose. Somebody told me the conductor took his shoes off and it’s kinda ripe up there. LOL. Plus they won’t let me drink my Mad Dog 20 20 and I would have to take my hair curlers down. Nevertheless, a middle aged, cranky scoundrel will throw in her two cents from time to time.

    Cheers!